Saturday, October 15, 2011

How This Blog Got Started

From September 22...

It all started with me asking a question.

He instantly became enraged, and I calmly walked out of the room and went into my bedroom and closed the door.  As I was walking off, I heard him say, "Nothing ever changes."  As I sat in my room, at my desk, I heard a loud noise.  I then heard him coming toward my bedroom door, and then I heard more loud noises and the sound of something breaking.  I was scared and worried he would come into my room, but he didn't.

Things got quiet, and I could tell that the lights were off because I couldn't see any light coming in under the door.  I carefully opened the door and walked out.  He was lying on the couch with his arms folded over his chest.  I puttered around in the kitchen, making tea and such.  My oldest child walked in and asked what the loud noises were, and I told her I didn't know.  I then silently pointed at him; he couldn't see me, so I was safe to do that.  After she left the room, I asked him what the noises were.  He said he "smacked the table," and that he "smacked the thermostat."  I asked if the thermostat was broken.  He said, "It is."

He's still on the couch.  I guess he's sleeping.  He has a bedroom, so I don't know why he's on the couch.  His daughter is here, and she stays in the room with him (she's 7).  She's here every other Wednesday to Sunday.  There are bunk beds in the room, but he sleeps on the floor, which he claims to prefer.

I don't know what will happen next.  I half expect him to tell me to leave.  I have nowhere to go, and I have no money.  My only option is a shelter, and I don't know if they take anyone who doesn't have bruises and a police report.  Plus, I have three children, and the shelters I've checked out in my area tend to only have space for one child.

I could feel a blow-up coming.  It always happens like this.  He is nice for a while, and then he gets distant and moody, and then he gets loud and mean.  Tonight was worse than it's ever been, so I'm more afraid than I've ever been.

If I had the money, I'd leave tonight.  Well, actually I'd wait until he leaves for work and then move my things out and be out of here before he gets home.  I wouldn't tell him where I was, and he would only be able to reach me through my attorney.  If only.  I hate that my life is so dictated by money...or an appalling lack of it.

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