Saturday, June 9, 2012

From January 4, 2011

Previously published on Stepchicks (January 4, 2011).

I'm Ready To Call It Quits

I've been feeling it coming for a while now. I can no longer sit back and tolerate my husband treating me like crap. I didn't marry him to give him license to emotionally and verbally abuse me, but he acts like I did. He has no problem yelling at me, belittling me, and disregarding my feelings. But be sure of this: he will give anyone the benefit of the doubt--even BM, and he does ALL THE TIME---but his own wife? Are you kidding? I can't do anything right, according to him, and he actually told me to my face that he doesn't see that I ever do anything right. This was during a conversation where I told him that I feel like I can't stay "out of trouble," and that I never know what to do because I'm always wrong in his view. I couldn't believe he said that to me. It was like the air just left my body, and I actually died for a few minutes while it sank in that he really said that to me. "I don't see that you ever do anything right." And then he had the nerve to say that I needed to tell him what I do right if I don't agree with him.

I've gone the desperate route, placating (and I've had plenty of practice from surviving a narcissistic mother) and trying to be perfect, cooking and cleaning all the time, waiting on him, taking care of his kid when she's here (which I stopped doing recently) and it does seem to keep him appeased, but he's still dismissive, rude, and ungrateful. I don't expect to be worshipped because I cook a meal or clean a toilet, but a little bit of kindness wouldn't kill him. If he does decide to be nice to me, I'm expected to reciprocate. If he wakes up with a hard-on, which is almost every damned morning, I'm called frigid if I don't put out. I hate morning sex! But let me mention anything about engaging in sexual congress later in the day, and he's not interested because it was my idea. If he starts getting affectionate, and I'm not interested because of his treatment of me for the days or weeks before, then I'm "distant" and "withdrawn." So it's like I'm supposed to wait around for him to find me attractive and to enjoy my company, but otherwise I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut and not bother him.

Here's the real kicker: I'm currently unemployed and have no other options as far as where to live. I also have three children to support, and child support payments from their father are inconsistent at best, plus it's only $600/month for three children. He lives in another state and CSE is close to impossible. It may as well be a different country. A wage-withholding was supposed to have been in place for over a year now, and it still hasn't happened, despite my numerous complaints. So he pays it himself, and I think he tries to do it regularly, but he also has another child with his second wife, and she gets about $475/month for one child with special needs.

I need back surgery and will probably have a month-long recovery (or more), so I can't leave. It's not that I want a divorce, but I really need to be away from the son of a bitch to preserve my sanity, and I feel completely trapped. When the very lovely and newly pregnant Michelle wrote the post about adopting the skid should BM or DH die, I actually felt the greatest sense of relief thinking about how free I would be if DH died. It was like a huge weight was lifted off me for a few minutes while I imagined my life away from him, his kid, his ex. But mostly him. It's not that I actively wish him dead, but the thought of being free of verbal abuse, emotional cruelty, and such is so desirable to me that if I have to be a widow for it to happen, I think I'd be ok with that.

I did read somewhere that imagining how your life would be if your spouse died and then feeling relief and peace with the idea is a sign that you've emotionally divorced them already.

So I guess what I'm feeling now is...trapped. And it sucks dirty, sweaty pig balls.

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