Thursday, June 14, 2012

Trust And Communication Email From 6/20/2011: Part 2

I did an in-line reply in red:

I suspect that you are already “done” with this relationship. And I cannot say for certain that I am not in complete agreement with you and therefore writing this email could be just my working through the Kübler-Ross cycle. But I do love you and I wonder if our problems are insurmountable? I think we have many problems that are insurmountable, namely you not trusting me. That is a fundamental problem which, by itself, is enough to send any couple straight to divorce court. I take it as a huge slap in the face, and I don't know that I'll ever get over it. I am devastated. Of course the girls being in favor of a split does not help matters…not to mention making me feel very much like my sacrifices (which I consider to numerous and generous) went unnoticed and/or unappreciated. I routinely thought those sacrifices were underappreciated, but had chocked that up to kids will be kids. I am now seeing the unpleasant side to step-fatherhood. They did appreciate all the things you did (and were quite vocal about it to me), but I think their issues lie with all of the stress and tension. Seeing me upset and hearing us has caused some damage to them. The material things don't make up for that, nor should they. Perhaps this is also a male/female difference. "They shouldn't be so happy to go because I paid for things." I guess you haven't heard them expressing their stress, particularly their frequent "[He] will get mad" kind of statements. They've started walking on eggshells too, though not nearly as much as I do.

Anyway we got some big issues…trust (both ways) and communication (both ways). I think we could probably improve communication. Trust I am less sure about. Then why bother? Forgive me for being so blunt, but that sounds like "we could stay together as long as you say things how I want you to, and you do what I want, but you're a big fat liar, and I'll never believe a word you say, now or ever again."

On the subject of communication there was something that bothered me about a conversation a week or two ago re: marriage consueling. You were very willing to place stipulations (man, PhD not social worker, non-Christian) on it, and quick to say you did not want to do the calling. So basically saying I should do the leg work (even though you were at home) and meet your conditions. My take away, while you said you were willing to go, the underlying message I received was one of you having very little interest. I have a few stipulations, yes, but I'm afraid if I handle it, you'll hate whoever it is and complain. It just feels like it would end up being another situation where you tell me I can't do anything right. I feel like you've kicked me around enough already.

Anyway emotionally I am on a bit of roller coaster right now. A reply would be appreciated even if just to say you got this and read it.

Talking Mask

PS: I looked at [Our Town] real estate listings and it is pretty grim. I saw one 5 bed 4 bath listed for 235,000...was [Our Area] so it wasn;t in our neighborhood exactly, but there was a 4/3 (different from [our street adress], but still a big one) for 235,000 in the [neighborhood], which was descripbed as having upgrades beyond 113. If they list at 235,000 maybe they net 225,000 after closing costs. Commision of 13,500 leaves 211,500....if the get the 225,000. What was the square footage? That can make a big difference. The West-[county] area does tend to run cheaper. Upgrades are great, but they don't always make a big difference. It's lot size, square feet, and such. People redo their houses or have upgrades put in when they build, and they are sorely disappointed when buyers don't want to pay for them.


  1. Maybe if he had invested more of himself in your marriage instead of riding his bicycle at all those Kubler-Ross events, your union may have fared a little better.