Friday, June 15, 2012

Trust And Communication Email From 6/20/2011: Part 3

And his follow up:
I am going to skip the inline....too confusing after one or two.
Not trusting you is a big deal...no question. And as we talked about it is not the little stuff. It is what seem to me to be oddities in what you do and say on important issues. I feel as if I give you the benefit of the doubt and get burned for it or maybe just get left with unresolved questions. I can elaborate some, and I have tried at times, but you seem to get indignant and defensive. So I kinda stopped trying to explain or to get you to.
I would never begin to say or even think "they should be so happy that I paid for blah blah blah" or "they should not be so excited to leave since I bought them blah blah blah." I am actually a little insulted that you have thought I would think that. I won't say an occassional bit of gratitude would be nice rather than what often appears to be a deep sense of entitlement. As I said tho...kids will be kids...often lost in their own heads and worlds. And I don't begrudge them a little entitlement...they are good girls and an occassional thanks does come through. It could simply be they have little concept of the near constant trade-offs made each day.  [Kid2] & [Kid1] want to go to the movies...I think they deserve that simple thing especially when they can get themselves there and back, but $40 isn't nothing and represents a sacrifice somewhere by someone. Do I expect anything in return? No, I wish I could do more. I would spoil them rotten if I could and I do feel like I am failing at times as a result of not being able to provide everything they need... I heard you say they were gald to be going...my thought was they considered the whole relationship bad and with out any positives for them. Which disappointed me because I thought (hoped) in some ways I might have contributed positively to them beyond being an ATM and that perhpas [Kid3] and I and [Kid2] and I might be friends or have some other connection, even if uneasy and unclear.
As to the stress...I don't see it. Not that I am blind...they just have never expressed their stress to me, at least that I recall. And if one or another is quiet or moody, well they are growing girls and it could be the snakes growing faster that their noggins. Seriously if you don't tell how much I am stressing them I don't know it. And I might need to be told more than once or twice or thrice and reminded periodically. It just is not at the forefront of what I have going on most times.
Most couples are going to fight sometimes... it seems logical a couple would fight more when under stress. We have been under a lot of stress. Have we handled it badly? Sure and not just me either. Have we handled it better that a lot of folks would? I think so and not just you.
The walking on eggshells I just don't get. I am not a tyrant...I generally do not strike people or things. I do get angry, sure...I raise my voice and bang things a bit. But I have heard plenty of doors slam in that house and I don't recall slamming a single one personally. Now made extremely mad I say hurtful things...that may be the only point I would concede here and I agree it is not small. Your eggshell reaction I guess it is at least partly the PTSD causing you to go to far in appeasing and avoiding. Maybe the girls are learning it from you. Or maybe it is kin / not-kin thing. Where instinctively the mammal young beleive the non genetic related male of the same species will kill and eat them.
The things that tick me off are the day to day stupid things. Especially the ones I have asked you to correct. It does not seem unreasonable to me to get a little help around the house...keeping it from being a pigsty, not wasting money, respecting other peoples possessions, etc. I don't beleive it is your contention that these things are unreasonable, but you do very little to make them happen, which is quite frustrating. An occasional mistake is one thing and I easily overlook those, but that is often not what is going on.
Back to the "Big fat liar" subject. Again you have insulted me. I do not want you to say what I want. I like arguing with you when we are doing so playfully. I want you to hold your convictions strong and dear, however stupid or wrong they are. I hate it when you are right and I am wrong...very humbling although I try not to let on, very humbling , but very impressive. (Fortunately for me you are almost never right). The things I am talking about are far more serious. My concern of trust is mainly about the weird things you do. Weird is not the right word, but it is all I can find. It is things that I would not expect in 100 years a person to do...they hit me out of left field and are that much more troubling as a result. There is no way it would occur to me to ask you not to do these things...it just seems common sense not too. And then they will sometimes get followed up by "suspicious" events. And there is no way to prove one way or the other what really happened...so I must trust you, but the thing smells fishy (is outside of my realm of understanding) so I have trouble. I want to beleive you, but I don't want to be a fool. I don't know if my lack of trust on these things is a deal-breaker for you and I don't know if the continued possibility of them happening is a deal breaker on my side (I don't handle the choas well). Maybe you can see where I am coming from enough so that you can agree a conclusion of "he does not trust me period" is (or at least might be) too simple. If so, then maybe we can find a solution. I will never be able to give you 100% blind faith so if that is what you want there truly is no point. The email to [Former Mutual Friend] is the most recent example of the kind of things I am talking about.
In general I do trust you. I I have faith in your judgement. I have demostrated that faith and trust following your advice and suggestions repeatedly. Did I do it blindly? No...I treated it as wise consuel, sometimes not following it when my own self pointed another direction.
I won't argue your point on the consuelor although I don't agree with it. Communication again. If consuelign is something we decide to pursue then we can solve the problem by choosing a person and schedule togerther...I honestly think there are only about two who will fit the requirements anyway.
I have accomplished very little today...

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